What I’m Taking For ADHD and Why Meditating Is Not Enough

I spoke about getting treated for my ADHD in Colombia in this article and have gotten many responses and questions about who I’m seeing now. So here’s the long version of that.

Ever since that article, I saw Dr Tomayo a second time in person. I explained to him that a SaaS company in London had just hired me to do their webinars and that I love the job, I was kicking ass every day but I had this constant fear, this nightmare, about walking into my coworking space, opening up my laptop and not being able to log into my company email account. A message on Slack from my boss would appear: Let’s chat when you have a chance. Then he would break the news to tell me that I was fired.

I’ve gotten fired an embarrassing number of times and most of it has to do with my executive functioning skills which apparently, I didn’t have enough of.

For anyone who doesn’t have ADHD, underdeveloped executive functioning skills are a common trait. Medication-wise, I was splitting the pills because whenever I took an entire pill, I would not sleep that night. And I need to sleep! I have a 2-year-old who takes up most of my mornings and evenings.

“Wait,” Tomayo said, “You’re splitting the pills?”

He cringed when I nodded yes. He said that with a kid potentially making my marriage rocky, I need to protect my job because that allows me to be independent. To protect my job, I need to perform well at work, to perform well, I need to have better executive functioning skills and to have that, I need to take the meds correctly. He said that by not taking the full 30 mg dose of Vyvance (it’s called Samexid in Colombia), I am not getting the full benefits of the medicine.

Doc, but I need to sleep!

He prescribed me 2.5 mg of Olanzapine (also known as olanzavitae or Zyprexa). They come in 5 mg pills so I would need to cut them in half.

The main side effect of Olanzapine is increased appetite but I could hamper that the next morning by taking my full Vyvance pill.

Olanzpine and Vyvance

When I worked at the SaaS company, I took the full 30 mg of Vyvance every morning, just Monday through Friday. I also took 2.5 mg of Olanzapine every night around 7:30 pm. The Olanzapine has helped me get uninterrupted sleep. At first, it used to get me drowsy within an hour which sucked because I love eating dinner with my husband in front of the TV. The drowsiness probably lasted a month so it wasn’t an issue. Whenever I decided to go to bed at 9 pm, my husband would support it. Nowadays, I could take Olanzapine at 7:30 pm and knockout as late as 11 pm. It’s great because the meds help me fall asleep quickly and because I’m in such a deep sleep, I no longer wake up when my daughter rolls over me. It turned me into a heavy sleeper!

According to Dr Tomayo, Olanzipine builds and stays in your blood and for its effect to help you throughout the day, it’s important to take it every day. While I skipped the dose on the weekends, getting more sleep has helped me stabilize my mood making everyone happier at home! I always try to get 8 hours of sleep but I’m happy with 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

The Vyvance has helped me keep my job for as long as I could. It also helps to like your job. As a Customer Success Manager, I ran training webinars, created video tutorials, and spoke to clients via Zoom. I could’ve hyperfocused and produced good work without the meds but after what I’ve been through, I wouldn’t risk it.

Then one day, my nightmare came true.

I turn on my laptop, I log into the company email account, but it doesn’t let me in. My access has been revoked. A message from the boss appears in Slack: Let’s chat when you have a chance…

Unfortunately, after seven months, my role at the bootstrapped SaaS company became unnecessary because not enough people were attending the webinars so they let me go. I asked twice if it was my fault. Because if it was my fault then maybe I needed more help with my ADHD. I broke down and blurted to my boss that I have ADHD and that I’ve gotten fired over a dozen times. I pleaded, “What could I have done to save my job? I need your feedback so that I don’t make this mistake again.”

My boss, who looked heartbroken, assured me that it was not my fault, there was nothing that I could’ve done and he gave me a month’s severance pay. He didn’t need to do that but at least he convinced me that letting me go was out of my control. The point about the meds is that it’s working.

Meditating and ADHD

There was a time in my life when I thought that meditating was enough. I thought that meditating cured my ADHD. I was off meds for five years because I was finally consistent with my meditation practice! I attended two 10-day Vipassana silent meditation courses, I spent a month at the Sivananda ashram in Vietnam, and meditating became a habit! It no longer felt like a chore!

I could finally control my impulses. Meditating gave me the millisecond I needed to analyze anything I was about to blurt out. It made me aware of the amount of times I spent listening versus talking in social settings. This became more apparent when my husband and I befriended a couple we met at a pub trivia. They were in Medellin for a month and we hung out with them twice a week. This woman, I’ll call her Emily, was quirky in a sometimes annoying way. She fidgetted by peeling the labels off her beer bottles and she would blurt out obnoxious things about Americans. She also couldn’t sit still! She reminded me of me! Emily would later tell me that she has ADHD.

As a result of my meditation practice–going on eight years now–I now talk less and listen more and my relationships with people have gotten better. Vipassana means: to see things as they are and indeed, it has helped me do that. It has helped me shed off bad friendships as well.

Before I established a meditation practice, I had a few friends tell me that they couldn’t take me out to meet their friends because I would offend them. Yeah, I was that person. I even made an ass out of myself in front of some of my husband’s acquaintances who we bumped into at a Whole Foods (this was back when we were just starting to date), and it made me not want to meet his friends for fear that I would offend them. It was times like those that made me want to take medicine for social situations. I don’t have that need anymore! I trust myself to behave in social settings.

If I miss a day or a few days of meditating, it’s okay. I could still go out and be myself! Meditating is like a bicep curl or strength training. You spend a few weeks or months building up your muscles. You might do strength training 2 or 3 times a week to maintain it. If you miss a few sessions, your biceps won’t disappear overnight. That’s what meditating is like to me. Also remember, just because you meditate for an hour, do not expect to have a great day that day. If you meditate for an hour and find yourself in a blowout with your partner the next minute, then congratulate yourself for recognizing the irony and any expectations you had.

Meanwhile, over at work…

I was still struggling! I was a social media consultant and content creator for many entrepreneurs. I freelanced. I did a great job but I always asked myself, why does it take me so long to finish a project? A four-hour project would take me six hours. And because I wanted to please my clients, I would always invoice them for fewer hours.

Clients went and left. The main reason why some left is because I didn’t follow their directions to a T or I wasn’t doing enough. I felt like I was working overtime and yet, I was falling behind. My husband didn’t understand how it was that I would have all day to work and I would only invoice for four hours. I didn’t understand either.

Then I got hired as the Marketing Manager for a startup travel site. I lasted five months. To be frank, that wasn’t all my fault. The CEO loved having meetings once or twice a week. The information shared there would always apply to a few and I would zone out. When he let me go, I decided to go back on the meds. I couldn’t afford to lose another job. Meditating helped me moderate my behavior in social settings but it did not improve my executive functioning skills. I was off meds for about six years.

Why Meditating is Not Enough

It turns out that meditating is great at helping me control my impulsivity but it’s not great at giving me the superpowers I need to hold down a desk job. Meditating for 20 to 30 minutes a day does not give me a dopamine boost which is what I need to help me organize, prioritize, etc. My reward system is a bit stunted in the executive functioning skills department. The thing about having an ADHD brain is that we don’t have as many dopamine receptors and for me, that meant that my mind wandered off more often, I’d lose track of time, and get bored fast.

Meditating helped me recognize when I was bored, it helped me recognize when my mind wandered off for the zillionth time. That would make me return to tasks but it wouldn’t last long. Meditating helped me recognize that I lacked the executive functioning skills to work in modern society. How did I make it through college? How did I graduate from a prestigious University with extra credits under my belt?

Well, I did struggle in community college (when I didn’t take meds). I struggled with taking the required courses that I did not like, like Algebra 2 (which I aced on the third try) and Physical Anthropology. I even struggled with the classes that I did like, like Geography, and got Cs (ugh). I was also a terrible test taker. Hmm.

In contrast, I took meds throughout my three years at Uni, I worked hard, I got As and I enjoyed most of the classes I took. I was taking 70 mg of Vyvance.

The other thing about ADHD is that it’s not really a deficit of attention, it’s more like a displacement of attention. Most of us can hyperfocus on the things we like. For example, when I was a food tour guide, I was great at it because I love public speaking, I love being in front of people, and I absolutely love food. I wasn’t on meds then but I was fiddling with meditation at the time.

When my daughter was born, I decided to stop freelancing and find a full-time job; online of course. If I wanted my daughter to attend a good school, if I wanted to throw her huge birthday parties every year, and if I wanted to put money into retirement then I needed to get serious about earning a stable income. I wanted a 9 to 5. So when a SaaS company in London hired me to be their first Customer Success Manager, I saw Dr Tomayo and followed most of his rules. I took an entire 30 mg pill of Vyvance Monday through Friday and 2.5 mg of Olanzipine almost every night. I kept my regular meditation practice and did 15–20 minutes a day. It worked because when I got let go, my boss assured me that it was not me. At last, it was not me!

Why ADHD Medication Is Not Enough

Years ago back in Uni, I was taking a class about communism and we had a guest speaker from Beijing. I raised my hand and asked him, “Is it true that you don’t have a word for ‘sex’ in Mandarin? And that you prefer to use the English word because sex is a dirty word?”

I was on meds and I was aware of my intention but I was not mindful nor compassionate about how that would make the guest feel. He turned red and said, “Sorry, I am not at will to answer that right now.” Or something like it. Everyone in class just laughed. Either they laughed at him or at me, it didn’t matter. I didn’t think about that till way later (now).

That’s just one of the many times that I made an ass out of myself. Though thanks to the meds it wasn’t as frequent. Meditating has made me more compassionate and because I suffer from some level of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, I’m also sensitive to the way that others feel after interacting with me. For example, I have a friend who’s selling everything and moving to the Netherlands. She has no plans, she’s just going because it’s something that she always wanted to do and she’s a badass. Towards the end of our chat, I said, “So, are you going to find a hunk, marry him and get a Euro pass?”

She said, “Uh, no. I don’t want to depend on anyone.”

Of course, that’s not her plan! But I said it more as a joke. A few minutes later, it occurred to me that I might’ve come off as cavalier, and yet, knowing that she’s one of the strongest and most independent women I know, I knew that she wasn’t offended. But just in case, I apologized and explained where that came from.

It came from a crush I had on a guy I met in Mexico many years ago. We hung out every day after Spanish class. To the rest of our clique, we were like two peas in a pod. But I was in the friend zone and no matter how much mezcal we both had, he stayed loyal to his long-distance girlfriend. He’s from Amsterdam and we still keep in touch.

My ADHD Toolbox

I was in denial about my ADHD for a long, long time. Throughout college, I took meds with the intention of someday using meditation to ween off the meds. I told myself that I would use the boost for a few years to help me get through school and I was ashamed of it. For many years, I was ashamed that I couldn’t meditate for 5 minutes a day! I was ashamed that I had to take meds just to live up to the level of neurotypicals. But the more I learned about ADHD, and the more I meditated, the more I learned how crazy my brain is and I learned to accept it. ADHD is real.

I’m no longer ashamed of it because ADHD is not my fault. These are the cards that I was dealt with so it’s not my fault but it is my responsibility. It’s my responsibility to learn about my brain so that I could thrive at work, be a better partner to my husband, and be a calmer mother to my daughter.

I’ve been taking ADHD seriously for the first time in my life and as a result, I held down a job, I kicked ass in it and when they let me go, it was not my fault! That’s a huge win for me. So here’s what I learned: meditating is not enough and meds are not enough, they are tools. Here’s what else I’ve added to my toolbox.

1. ADHD Friendly Notebook/Agenda — This is where I write my daily to-do lists for work and for personal tasks. I journal here, I keep my meeting notes here, notes for personal projects, recipe ideas, and I even use it as a scratch pad to jot down ideas for work-related projects. I number every page and the first page is the table of contents. It’s very ADHD friendly and I’ve gone through three notebooks last year.
2. Timer — Whenever I get stuck on a task or if I’m dreading responding to an email, then I would use a timer. People with ADHD have the ability to hyperfocus on tasks and for me, that has come with a double edge sword. For example, I sometimes have the tendency to spend too much time on small details and not finish a project. When I become aware that I’m doing that, I set a timer and allow myself to spend 5 or 10 minutes on it. I also use a timer to help me power through mundane tasks. If I didn’t finish the task within the time I gave myself, I would move on and circle back. I installed a timer on my Chrome browser and it’s awesome. My daughter has a 5-minute sand timer which I’ve been tempted to steal. Just a thought.
3. Music Without Lyrics — We all hit a wall at work and meditating helps me recognize this. A timer helps me power through and music also helps me power through. Sometimes I would give myself an entire song to complete tasks.
4. Music With Lyrics—One of the reasons why I don’t mind washing the dishes or sweeping the floor is that it gives my mind time to wander. The challenge here is that because my sense of time isn’t as great as a neurotypical, I sometimes end up spending too much time sweeping the same floor. To get shit done, I crank up Billie Eilish, The Arctic Monkeys, or Marc Anthony and give myself an entire song to finish scrubbing 10 dishes or to finish sweeping an area of the house.
5. 7-Minute Exercise — We all need to exercise and I think that it’s more important for those with ADHD because it helps us take the edge off. When I started taking the full 30 mg pill of Vyvance, I noticed that if I didn’t get my heart rate up by 2pm, which is when the medicine starts to wear off, I would get a headache. To combat this, I decided that I needed to get oxygen flowing through my brain, and what better way to do this than to exercise! If you haven’t heard of the 7-minute scientific workout then GTS, Google That Shit. I’m a mom so when I don’t have the time it’s my go-to. Otherwise, I do some capoeira on my own or dance salsa.
6. Fidget Toys and Fidget Rings—Fidget toys reduce split ends. They do! Do you twirl your hair a lot? It’s okay, it’s our way to tame our wandering attention and keep it in one place. Twirling your hair during an interview can help you focus! If you don’t believe me then GTS. My husband noticed that I twirl and pull my hair a lot when we watch movies so I purchased fidget toys and now I don’t have as many split ends.
7. Meditating — It helps me with my impulsivity and it helps me with my Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphia. If it weren’t for meditating, I would probably confront all my friends for not asking me out. Why does it always have to be me who does the asking? Because I’m the connector type? Because I’m the one who is most outgoing? I harbor some resentment but being confrontational has gotten me in trouble in the past. Meditating helps me be patient and it helps me not take things personally. We’re all moms, we have families and children so naturally, friends are not our first priority. Then Mother’s Day rolls around and so-and-so has settled into her new apartment with her newborn. My phone is suddenly blowing up, I feel a bit pathetic, oh-so-relieved, and oh so grateful for my meditation practice. This is just one example where it helps but I could go on.
8. Stimulant medication — It helps me with one thing only: it gives me executive functioning skills. It helps me hyperfocus for hours on the right things. It compliments my ADHD, and I will take stimulants for as long as I am working. They’re not addictive! Take it from me, I don’t take them on the weekends and I don’t get a headache when I start taking stimulants again on Monday (but it has happened)/
9. Sleep and Zyprexa— Good quality sleep moderates my mood the next day. It helps me keep my cool when my toddler insists on drinking water from a pink cup. It helps me not feel overwhelmed when I have a lot on my plate.
10. Mocktails—Another way to put it is: moderating my alcohol consumption. I’m learning now that consuming too much beer or too many glasses of wine could worsen my ADHD symptoms. I went dry for two months and a half at the beginning of the year and a month in, my sweet tooth wreaked havoc. So I’m finding my limit with alcohol. The next time I go out with my favorite couple, I’ll challenge myself to have no drinks (I love challenging my discipline), or just one Aguila Light beer.
11. Continuously learning about ADHD — The more I learn about ADHD, the more I learn ways to manage my ADHD. Books and Youtube channels like How To ADHD, have been a great help .

You could say that that's a lot of work to manage my ADHD but it’s not because it took years for me to adopt these tools and make them a part of my lifestyle. It’s all worth it because it helps me live a happier life.